Family

Families come in many shapes and sizes. They are our blood, and our broods, our kin and our kindred, and for many, little provides more opportunity to be near loved ones than the holidays.

Today at lunch, as coworkers casually tossed around a general distaste for the Thanksgiving holiday at various sides of their respective families, and certain joys from some at the prospect of multiple Thanksgivings due to split households, I became accutely aware and grateful for my still whimsical take on the season.  There have been many occasions when being one of the very few females in a gaming company have left me uncomfortable in my own skin; embarrassed over, and (rarely, but sometimes) even ashamed of my more innocent or non-cynical views.  But in this I find my innocence a comfort, as I cherish the notion of keeping a firm grasp on holding time with family in high reguard. Families are our foundation - the people in our lives who celebrate us at our greatest hights, and reminds us of our strength when we've fallen low. Whether we've chosen them, pulled them together in rag tag groups, if we were born into them naturally, or were tossed in amongst them, satellite relationships mingling with anchors, families keep us grounded in ourselves.

So this Thanksgiving, for those of us fortunate enough to be spending time with family (ours, or someone else's), my hope is that we're able to appreciate and see the people around the table in the best possible light...be it for the first time, or the hundreth and first time.

And if we can't do that, then for fuck's sake, let's find something to loosen up and laugh about with them.

Also, please be kind to the many retail workers you encounter on Black Friday, should you choose to partake in that "holiday." They would rather have the day off to be with their families, and keeping that in mind while you search for deals just may make the day better for all.

As for me, I think Black Friday is bullshit. But that's another rant for another day.

Happy Thanksgiving!

P.s. I'm grateful for Tyler, and the chance to spend Thanksgiving with he and his awesome family.

Honor

When a man has only honor to call completely his own, and honor is told not by deeds done before the eyes of others, but in the secret moments only he shares with himself, then truth is in a man's choosing to show another the same face he wears alone.

Skinny Love

So, let it be said first and foremost that I'm fully aware that I'm rather late to come around to Bon Iver. For years now I've heard fine reviews of Justin Vernon's musical stylings, especially in respect to his lyrics, but have only ever given him a passing glance. Perhaps due to a few bad song referrals - it seems I had only caught the handful of of YouTube music videos by the group that leaned a bit to close to angsty production value than true, heartfelt songwriting. This past summer even, my mother expressed great interest in the band, driven by their close ties to Wisconsin and an inspiring article written about them in a local newspaper. Still, I resisted, and Bon Iver remained a group I regarded as simply another indie up-and-comer with whom I'd never connect.

Well, my occasional musical snobbery has bit me in the ass once or twice before, and will probably do so again, but I am happy to say that for whatever reason, I gave Bon Iver a go this evening, and have been pleasantly surprised.

Lyrically, yes, Vernon shines. His narrative, yet metaphorical style provokes vague imagery, imbuing sensation and emotion far more than any firm sense of place, which is fitting, considering his hauntingly strong vocal range. In fact, although that range was one of the things that initially turned me off of the band, upon further listening, I'm really quite impressed by it. And certainly, no one can argue his vocal talent.

Further than that though, the band as a whole, and Vernon himself, have a strong sense of musical honesty. Perhaps not in every song (unfortunately), but in handful of very solid gems, its clear that strong technical skill enhances their ability to play with their music in a very innocent, inspired way. From arrangements featuring lurid but intricate acoustic guitar work to unison clapping and stomping, Bon Iver makes full use of their tool set to bring listeners an enjoyable - although not always entirely original - sound scape.

To share a taste - my favorite thus far - I present Skinny Love by Bon Iver.

Despite a raw beginning, Vernon's passion in this version of the song is exemplary; it reminds me of someone I used to know.

From One Bird to Another

Things here have been a steady mix of improving strengths and conquering demons. Small demons, like self-criticism, defeatist attitudes, and an uncanny ability to eat oneself silly when faced with emotional overload. Luckily, all of those bitter things are a taste familiar to my tongue, and I've learned to stare them down. Yup, its been a week, and a tough one at that. Tough in terms of resolve, but where I've let myself indulge in some respects, I've had iron will in other, far more important areas. Few words spoken out of line, and none spoken or written in areas where weakness might have me slip. Instead, my time these days is spent between coding tutorials, photography books, and the strings of my guitar. Actually, not my guitar - a guitar I've been babysitting for my mum's friend for a few years now. Its an old Yamaha, nothing overly impressive, but its got a sound that fits the echo of my heart these days, so I've left my guitar to sit lonely in the corner in exchange for unfamiliar strings. Metaphor? Perhaps. But there is little to be done about a changing of hands and the subtle twists a heart makes when it picks itself up from a bad fall.

Generally, I'm content.  It's a bit hollow - I still have trouble looking around my room, looking at my phone, catching myself remembering how close I came to something so damn good.  Feeling a little crazy sometimes, because of the way things worked out and the fact that there are only really a handful of people who know just how close we were.  And none as much as he and I.  Losing a best friend is the fuckin pits.  No matter how kind I am to myself, or how much I bury myself in time with friends/family or doing the things I love in my free time, there's still this second version of me, walking just a step or two behind, living a half-life in which things are what they could have been.  In time, that's bound to pass, I'm sure.  I just...wish.

Anyway, I've been recording myself singing and playing the guitar.  Sooner or later I put something up here...for now though its just good practice, and good reference to see how much my vocal habits have changed since show choir. 

Of course, I'm catching up on Dexter too. I was sucked in two years ago, but haven't seen much since. In the past week I've watched season 4 and really enjoyed it. Kudos to Michael C. Hall (LOVED him in Six Feet Under as well) and John Lithgow (yea, I totally watched 3rd Rock from the Sun) for playing off of each other so well, and being incredible actors overall.

As always, there's a song to my day. Today (a rather momentous day in my small world of baby steps that lead to standing apart from a dream that's been dear to my heart for longer than I care to admit), I find myself drawn yet again to the hauntingly simple and sweet stylings of Geri X, an artist from the Tampa Bay area. For its lyrics, gentle guitar accompaniment, and subtle soul, I give you Seven of Spades by Geri X.

And once that's said and done, the follow up is Paint Yourself Crazy, also by Geri X.

Lucidity in the Face of Fire

Had a dream last night that I watched a meteor fall. I was in a park, in Wisconsin, getting ready to meet Dustin. We were talking on the phone when I noticed a streak of light in the sky getting larger, closer. It reached out of the distance, all at once, yet in slow motion...burning blue - the size of a 1 story building. I happened to be standing by a pool, so when it hit, I jumped in and huddled under water as the blast and burning debris flew above and churned the water around me.

Somehow I managed to hold my breath long enough to survive, and when I emerged, everything had changed, yet nothing looked terribly different. There was a huge crowd forming, and I began to walk around and listen to neighborhood kids as they described what they had seen. My phone survived, as only it could in a dream, so I began to take video of everything. The last thing I remember is taking video of a boy and his sister. He had named the meteorite Orion's Foot because of where it had fallen from. He had tracked it in his telescope.

This One is for the Author

There lies thin a haze over this sleepy Christian city, and I, a misfit child of some other, less-descript non-dogma, sit content amidst the halflights that will not dim. Here, on the edge of consumerist havens, brick facades litter my birds eye view, patches in an incomplete verticle quilt. But up, up a few miles, past the feeble glow of suburbia, past the steady trail of air traffic flowing reassuringly from the South, crisp winter skies give way to vastness.
Numb fingers make slow and steady work of voicing the wordless healing of sensitive vitals, but peaceful reflection amongst stars feeds the soul unsparingly. This moment knows little of past events; last year's squabbles, or poignant dreams. This place remains safe from intrusion...no jarring memories of what could be or what has. Simple, clear, and barely even a passing notion of wishing for you here.

Last years trials were somewhat other than simply personal, and as such I made a choice to take a step back from this blog for a while. I made a commitment to air out as little laundry as possible here, at least as it concerned others, and I'm happy to have stuck to that resolve. This year marks the beginning of a new era for me. It had to start out a bit differently than planned for me to fully see where I was, and I'm still pretty uncertain about exactly where I'm headed, but the past two weeks have given me an almost entirely foreign (until now) insight into where I am. Its a huge work in progress, but I think I'm learning something big - how to feel comfortable in my own damn skin. Years I've spent pretending...raging, whining, crying, smiling, dancing, and generally waiting for something to click. And you know what? It never did.

What did happen, however, was something between relaxing into a comfortable dream, and waking up to realize that it simply doesn't matter. I am this, and I may not be anyone's ideal - hell, I'm not even my own - but that's fine. This work in progress is messy and beautiful, and the people who see me clearly get it & love me greatly without being afraid of any of the chaos, or trying to change even the slightest molecule of my wild (yet somehow altogether mellow) energetic mess. They stand by, let our atoms mingle, share stories, smiles and tears, and then continue on, knowing we'll share it all again soon.

I'm not always that confident, and one of my greatest wishes is that I will develop that skill. To trust that those around me will stay near. I've leant my heart out and had it put back prematurely a few too many times not to be a little concerned in that department.  Maybe next year I'll be able to report better news there. I just hope that the man who starts to mend that organ will stick around in earnest, long enough to see the job through.

And there it is...can you tell I stepped inside? Warmer hands, warmer heart...and much more vocal. Well, its a lovely night, in any case, and I'm happy to be crawling into a big warm bed - one that for now at least, I get to keep entirely to myself.

In the delicate balance between planning for what may come and juggling the current day to day, I've found a lot of pleasure flipping through old childhood comforts...especially comics.

In light of that, I would like to share a poem with you from one of my all time favorite authors and artists. Although some would argue him simply a man of sketches and cute comics, those who have read even one of his many collections know him to be both wise and witty. So without further delay, the esteemed Bill Watterson:

“I made a big decision a little while ago.
I don’t remember what it was, which prob’ly goes to show
That many times a simple choice can prove to be essential
Even though it often might appear inconsequential.

I must have been distracted when I left my home because
Left or right I’m sure I went. (I wonder which it was!)
Anyway, I never veered: I walked in that direction
Utterly absorbed, it seems, in quiet introspection.

For no reason I can think of, I’ve wandered far astray.
And that is how I got to where I find myself today.”

Reminiscent of another favorite of mine by Robert Frost, which I'm sure most of you have read, this short poem by Watterson pretty well sums up where the past few months of planning this venture have brought me. I began, with no past experience planning such an extensive endeavor entirely on my own, and have pushed through to the present, learning, introspective all the way. The end result, as I find it today, is that I have never been more motivated, more inspired, more moved, to make something wonderful, not just for myself, but for everyone who believes in like ideas and even for those who have no concept of what I'm/we're doing - yet. I thank you all for that drive, as you have sown it into me, each step of the way.

A beautiful day...

Two of them, actually.

Today was bright and sunny and cheerful, and despite having to work, still very enjoyable. It also marked day one of year three for Tavi and I, which made my heart smile all over.

Yesterday, was also lovely, especially in the evening, on the way back from Tavi's graduation. Which, by the by, took forever. Forever being about four hours. :) I guess four isn't that long, but such a huge period was just a long list of names being called off! Thank god Columbia splits their graduation ceremonies into multiple days!

In any case, it was a pretty lovely event. Wonderful keynote/guest speakers, and a great presentation of video from Manifest and Industry night, both of which Tavi participated in. In fact, his group from the 12 hour game competition at Manifest won. It was a pretty goofy game...the guidelines were for each group to create a game that was their interpretation of transgendered capture the flag.

Transgendered capture the flag, you say? Yes...transgendered capture the flag. And let me tell you, Tavi's artwork was pretty classy. His was the only character design that directly touched on "transgendered" in a literal sense. He took the bull by the horns and put a pink skirt on it, so to speak. But in the end, their game stood strong, and despite lacking a win trigger (so the fun was endless!), theirs was the only game that played without crashing. So success! Yet another great even for the Tavmiester.

As for the graduation ceremony itself, he did have a bit of a time of it, as the woman announcing the students pronounced him as "Tahvis." But you can't win them all, I suppose. I guess that's just what his true official name must be.

I have been putting together plans for a 'frontage roof,' so to speak, for a display at the Spice House, as well as a mockup/prototype spice rack for jar sales. Both displays will be great woodworking projects, and a chance for me to do more wood etching/burning with my new tool (relatively new...a few months now). I'm pretty excited. I love the chance to do hands on projects like this. Making things from nothing is such a satisfying feeling, one that I'm so glad I get to experience a good amount of in this position. Paltronics was a lot of creation, but the problem with creating animations for the casino industry is that you have a very limited scope, creatively speaking, and in the end, you very rarely get the satisfaction of holding your work, tangible in your hands. I know that whatever it is that I do in the future, I need to be able to create things that I can hold and touch when the day is done. Whether that be paintings, or woodwork, or books.

Ah, the sleep of peace. Tavi has slipped into its comforting embrace and is knocked out cold (or quite warm, in all actuality) next to me. Bless his dear sweet heart...I love him so.


Oh, and, sidenote...we now have a Wii. Or I have a Wii, I suppose. My first real console! Woohoo! ;) Oh the games Wii will play! Hopefully Tav will make some Wii games.


That is all for now. Peace out, homies.

Spiders!

I just found three small dead spiders in the past few hours, all scattered in different areas of the house, and all suspended with their feet touching. Is this an odd omen? I don't know, but it's got me just a tad weirded out.

Anywho, I spent more time with the garden today (no real surprise there!), and may have killed a little broccoli plant. :( I did almost all of the remaining transplanting, so now mom's beans, the broccoli, and some of the basil plants have found new, more spacious homes. I planned poorly though, so I have to run out tomorrow and pick up more potting mix in order to transplant the remaining basil.

The peas are still growing fantastically. It's continued to be windy here, so they have become quite hardy and thick skinned to my delight. Still no sign of the new batch of chives...I've left them outside, and in all honesty, am glad they have not sprouted yet, as we are expecting a frost this weekend, and I'd rather them stay below ground for the event.

(peas, as of about a week ago)

I had to go out and get poles for the beans, as they have had a bit of a hard time bouncing back from their first windy day out on the porch. They needed a more delicate form of support, which I think I've finally found. Below is a picture of their original trellis set up, which has been traded in for bamboo poles (pics of these soon to come).

(beans with old trellis set up)

Today I also had the pleasure of re-potting an aloe plant for Tavi's mom's Mother's Day gift. It seems to be adjusting well, and I'm excited to give it to her. :)

In the realm of indoor plants, my aloe is doing wonderfully, as are my orchids. The Christmas Cactus is still slow going...I don't know how my mom's has gotten to be the size of a rabid spider plant, but it has, and I'm jealous. But, I have an actual rabid spider plant...or at least Andrew and I do, so I guess its ok.

Tav's graduation is coming up and we're preparing to open our house to his dad for a few days. I'm really excited for Tav. I'm also reallllllly hoping he makes his portfolio SOON :)

Then, there's the party.

Then, in the beginning of June, I turn 25.

SO, the next month or so will be pretty busy.

THEN, we head off to the Seattle area for family vacation!!



Lots to look forward to...but for now, a late night snack and then bed.

ciao

Time WArP

So, it isn't Tuesday, and I have failed you all. But, since there are little to none of you actually "following" me at this point

(yes. I am the only follower I have listed.

I didn't want to discuss it, but now that its been said and aired and laid out for everyone to see all over the internet I guess I can't avoid it any longer and we'll just have to grin and bear it and face the facts.

My blog is lame and unloved.

Except I love it...
kind of...

so I suppose that's the important part, being as I have to be the one on here every day.

Oh, but I'm not, you say?

Well, yes, technically speaking I suppose I wasn't on yesterday...

but I DID have the best intentions...it just well...life got in the way. Tavi brought home beer and he and Andrew and I ate potato chips and watched The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnasus, which, by the by, is quite compelling.

In any case, I'm here now, nearly before doing anything else with my day [with the exception of eating and other such necessities], so I'm counting this post as Tuesday, and there is very little all of you non-followers can do about it!)


...it's ok.





(these are for you, Andrew)


Moving on. Today is the day of transplants! Woohoo! (or tomorrow, assuming this is Tuesday, but really, today, since its not) The beans are growing like they are being chased by large and in charge ogres, out for their little leaves. I'm so proud! AND, they are working together...I currently don't have a trellis or support system for them in their little jiffy pots, so they are holding each other up by wrapping their vines about. I'm pretty impressed by this actually, as to be honest I thought they may attempt to choke out each other's light. But no, symbiosis was the chosen route. Clearly this says something about human vs. plant attitudes, but I'll leave all of those implications to a preachier sort of day. Right now I'm just happy to report that all is going well and I'm excited for the big transition.








Meanwhile, Tav is nearly finished with school and although its been pretty batty making, I'm super proud of him as well. Just over two weeks left and he will join me in the ranks of the gradgebatated. Yes, it is good to have an edgebacation! Cheers to Tavi!

It's been a pretty strange road this past year or so, and as I'm just about to mark a year's employment at the lovely Geneva Spice House, I'm pretty contemplative about the whole ordeal. Not at all where I expected to be, but I'm incredibly grateful. And as to the future, well that's a bit hard to predict, but I'm hoping I'll figure it out when the time comes (and not a few weeks after). Or at least enough so that I can get myself where and how I need to be.


Here are a few more pics while I'm at it...



(Andrew's little Venus Fly Trap)



(the rose bush Tavi gave me...which has rather curiously turned orange instead of red)





Well, I think that's all for now. I'll let you know how transplantathon goes.

Ciao