A 732 Word Confession (of which I am actually pretty ashamed)

So, I've gotten into this somewhat self-destructive habit of late.

I get off of work, tired from little sleep the night before, and then go to work out in some fashion or another (biking, hitting the gym, swimming, etc.). Upon my return, I always want to work out more, as I'm trying to get back into decent shape for future endeavors (hiking, backpacking, adventuring, etc.), but don't because there are only so many hours in the evening. Next comes the self-destructive part.

While eating, I turn on the TV...and remain in front of it for a few hours too long. Now, this bothers me on a few levels. Not only was I raised to watch no more than 1 hour of TV a day and to pursue outdoor activities instead (so my relationship with the good 'ole tele is a strained one already), but I also have quite a few personal artistic goals that tend to slip through my fingers whenever I spend too much around the tube.

Certainly, I realize that I am NOT the only American, or world citizen for that matter, with this nagging, mindless, spoon fed entertainment addiction, but it bothers me in particular, because generally speaking, I like to pride myself on my will-power. Clearly, I am failing in that respect this week. And although I know that being overly harsh on myself about it will probably do nothing but perpetuate a problem I have already begun to loathe (guilt makes some pleasures even more tempting), I am doing just that. The rebound affect is that I turn off the TV, and then promptly jump onto the computer to edit photos and organize artwork.

By the time I do, it’s usually around 11:30pm. Not terribly late, especially considering I've never been one to keep too strictly to "respectable" bed times (yeah, Dad/Julie, I mean you two and your 9:30pm early turn in), but definitely too late to make any real worthwhile progress when it comes to weeding through and editing LITERALLY hundreds of photos. Plus, I really have been trying to post on ye 'ole blog with some regularity, so that's another 20 minutes plus, depending on the post.

In any case, one thing leads to another, and before I know it, I'm rolling into bed (or more so grudgingly trudging towards bed) around 1:30am; Late, yes, but not TOO bad, right? Well, there's a catch.

Since I work at a gaming company, I am making the commitment to play more games, and my friend and boss, Mike, was kind enough to get me hooked on Tiny Tower, so my Ipod has accompanied me into the bedroom the past 3 nights. It takes very little effort (think 8 bit Sim Tower in an Iphone app, but a bit more clever), so I half fall asleep playing it...sometime around 2:00-2:30am.

Yes, I know. You can say it, but I'd rather you wouldn't, because I already know.

Tonight I was good. I went swimming, ate some food, watched just one short, half an hour of TV (I happened to have an episode of Sex in the City stuck in my head earlier today, so I gave it a quick watch while I ate my broccoli), and then started in on my artwork. I will be in bed by 12:30am at the latest, which is peaches for me.

As for the future, my goal as of July is to watch only 3 hours of TV a week. Movies are not included in that total, but will only be a reward, or for the exceptionally exhausting evenings, when the couch is my only friend in the world (we all have them, don't act like you don't).

Time is a tricky thing, and I find that personally, I really do ride a wave of dedication...I'm either 200% full of intention and focus, or lagging at a crummy 60%. Hopefully, July will be a worthwhile experiment in will-power, dedication, and balancing out time to my various crafts and pursuits. Have many hobbies to dabble in is great, until your childhood ends and you have to work 8 hours out of the day.

Anyway, I'll let you all know how it goes. If anyone else would like to join me in the TV diet, I'd be more than glad to have a comrade at arms (or two or three).

Now it’s my bedtime. Ciao!

p.s. As always, I want kittens. I feel like they would be a wonderful motivation to stay on a regular, healthy schedule...and would keep me very far from the TV. See...kittens make EVERYTHING better. :)

(random kitten image from reddit)

Hot Yoga

Oh man, can you feel that?

Its excitement, quivering through the air like electricity!

I just found out that the yoga studio that opened up near by offers wonderful hot yoga classes, both for fitness, and for more centering oriented Vinyasa styles. And both are on nights that fit my schedule! Yay!

For someone who used to dance all of the time, I've found that yoga is a wonderful alternative. And although I would like to get back to dancing on a regular basis (I AM aiming to with belly dance...but its been a busy few weeks since Alaska), having a regular yoga class again would be absolutely wonderful. I very much miss Pam and her graceful teaching style, but I'm sure I'll find a good fit at this new location.

Anywho, here's to fitness. Biking, gyming with Tav, back to belly dance and freestyle dancing, and soon to be hot yoga!

And here, also, is to kittens. Please, oh please, oh please! ;)

Dear World,

Dear World,

Often times, I look back on my life and wonder why I didn't have the sense to do what would have been JUST RIGHT.

I can see it now, just the perfect song to sing for home show back in high school. They would have loved it, and maybe that way my life would have taken a different route.

College...perhaps I should have danced and stuck to a writing degree. I would have loved it, and maybe that way my life would have taken a different route.

Years of indecision, rash decisions, and trying jobs that didn't fit quite right. If I had taken more time to deliberate, perhaps THEN my life would have taken a different route.

But my path has been this, and when I look around, I see that the most prevalent blessing, the clearest positive outcome has been the people I know and care for. The people I've met, the people I've loved, the sisters I've gained, and the dear friends I've known.

So world, if this is my journey, to meet people and love them and have them love me right back, can I ask just one thing of you along the way?

Can I maybe do that while painting and photographing my way to prosperity and fulfillment? Cause I have to admit, that would be pretty grand.

[I know, I know, that means I have to paint and photograph even more. And that's ok, because I'm working on it. And enjoying it too! ;) Sometimes I just wish there were a LITTLE more instant gratification now and then. But that's human, right?]

Anyway, thanks for the trip. I've enjoyed it so far, and I look forward to what else is in store. Especially the bit about the traveling and backpacking all over to get the great shot and the great story. Should be pretty fantastic!

Yours always (respectfully AND incorrigibly),
Jen

Why am I still awake?

Often, when you live with another person, it can be difficult to find your own time and space. Tonight, I get both, and I am soaking up every moment of them. That means I'm staying up probably a little too late...and watching a guilty pleasure movie (A League of Their Own, to be specific). But tired is creeping up, and I'd still like to read before bed, so cross your fingers that I can stay awake just a little bit longer.

Oh, and thanks to all 1,000 plus of you that have read my blog. :) You are wonderful. I promise I'll come up with some more worthwhile posts soon.

Ciao for now,

Jen

Just a Quick, Lighthearted Gush

Since that last post was a bit more in depth and serious, I have to balance it also by saying that I am REALLY happy with Tav in our new place. It FINALLY feels like I have my own home...after years and years and years. Coming home is a genuinely heartwarming feeling and I am incredibly grateful. I just have to put that out there, because I really want to thank the universe. :) This feeling is LONG overdue and I totally appreciate it for all that it is.

Karma and the Backlash Catalyst

April; source of new beginnings, and the first full month of Spring.

This April has been action packed. Bursting at the seams with both positive and negative, the month has seen a handful of changes for both me and mine. When I take pause to examine it all, I am very grateful to be able to say that for my part, the changes have been positive, long over-due, and very much welcome. Unfortunately, that has not been the case for some of my dearest friends.

In the moments where we are still, as often must happen in the midst of our greatest conflicts, it becomes apparent sometimes that the patterns which govern our lives react to us as much as we react to them. Karma is a fairly widely recognized and accepted concept these days, and the more I spend time here on Earth, the more convinced I am that it plays a large role in our existence. More than that, I sincerely believe that Karma, or whatever force it may be, is not only a general part of our existence, but a huge contributing factor in our growth and eventual self actualization. Certainly, it is not Karma's presence alone which allows for expansion, but instead what we make of the circumstances it lends us.

To illustrate a bit further what I mean, I'll mention quickly a scene from the movie Evan Almighty, which coincidentally I watched/listened to on cable this weekend as background noise while putting away my dvds and living room furniture (in our brand new living room, which we absolutely love!). At the moment in point, God, played by the one and only Morgan Freeman, sits down with Evan's wife, whom is distraught because it seems her husband has gone crazy and her family is falling apart. Of course, God is dressed as a waiter in a diner, but his scripted, yet charming wisdom shines through as he tells her to "imagine what God might do if someone were to pray for strength, compassion, or patience. Wouldn't he most likely give that person the opportunity to be strong, compassionate, or patient?" This is all rather paraphrased, but the point remains. Whatever your religious beliefs or dogmatic pull, its an undeniable truth that most often, life actually does attempt to give you EXACTLY what you ask for in your deepest of hearts. It is through the experiences, turmoils and joys in each day that you are presented with the opportunities to learn your heart and how to proceed in its best interest.

Again, this past month I have witnessed one of my dear friends go through many personal hells, and as I have tried to be a good shoulder for her to lean on and base for her support, I have spent a lot of time pondering just what makes the universe center such a large chunk of wrath, so to speak, on one person. I think, that what I've come to, is simply, the need for change.

In her case, this change is a long time coming, thus, it is much MUCH more extreme. The change is not just in one aspect of her life, but many. And not just in the realm of physical or material changes, but emotional, and even so deep as to shake her personal core. And while it is extremely difficult to go through these changes, and none of us enjoy being in the midst of them, I think it is not only a huge tribute to those of us who make it through with strength and integrity, but also a huge part of growing closer to ourselves and our ideal futures (the futures we often don't even realize that we hold in mind for ourselves). This is why, I think, chaos does not always end well. Why sometimes terrible changes tend to spiral out of control. Some of this seems to rest in what our souls/subconscious's want...or have been repeating over and over, like broken records. If we can just break the pattern of sour thought, then maybe, just maybe, we can find the fresh start on the other side of backlash.

Karma really is just a catalyst for what we will make next.

Transitions

Tonight, while I compile lists of data for my current job (soon to be my old job) in preparation for the transition from old to new, I rest my feet on my favorite piece of furniture.  This small seat is the perfect height for a foot rest, and in fact, many would probably suggest that it is in fact more of an ottoman-like structure.  The truth though, is that this compact, four legged mini-stool, outfitted with rather ornate, geometric carvings, is a prayer stool (or meditation stool, as that is what I've most commonly used it for, as have my predecessors since its arrival in the U.S.) from Africa.

Now, I wish I could tell you exactly where it originated, or even delve a bit more into its cultural significance, but I can't.  All that I know of the stool is that it was picked up in Africa on a trip taken by a dear spiritual friend of my family (probably received as a gift while he was there), and in turn, somewhere over the course of my knowing him, he passed it rather graciously on to me.  It has been with me ever since (probably a good ten +  years now and counting), and has been the ground to my soul on many occasions.

The curve of this particular piece of furniture is glorious.  Its hand carved and crafted, and I'm sure, having just the slightest experience in woodworking, that although it is simple, its the type of object that many a woodworker could admire.  As you sit in it, you first realize that yes, this is wood, and unforgiving, but soon accept how wonderful that is.  It forces you to sit erect, spine aligned, while at the same time, allowing you enough support and comfort to relax and focus on quieting your mind.  More importantly, when placed beneath a desk as I have it, the stool makes for the most exquisite foot massage tool.

Sadly, (no, joyfully, really) I digress.  My point here is not entirely related to the comforts of this little seat, passed from person to person and country to country, but instead, the journey that it has made and how symbolic it has become for me in terms of transition. 

My stool, made of dark wood, standing only a few inches off the ground, has seen far more than I have thus far in life.  It was made with great love, as many endeavors are, and when it came time to transition, it did so gratefully and unassumingly, ready to meet its new fate and keepers without fear or hesitation.  And while I realize that hesitation is not always a negative thing (sometimes we are best to pause for reflection before conquering the new aspects of our lives), in almost every respect I aim to move forward with the same poise as this sturdy, lovable little stool.  Hopefully that will be possible (I certainly don't see why not, because I've put in my fair share of work, and am happy to say I've tried my very best to be honorable to every party involved, including myself) and years from now I will be able to look back and say that I learned best how to transition from a stool.

At which point my grandchildren will most assuredly look at me like I've gone batty and run off to play in the snow or tattle on me to my future grown up children.

Cheers to the prospect of that!

A crab, a wedding cake, and cable tv...

A little random, and some of you won't much care, but in my most recent internet wanderings, I came across Fol Chen.  This fun band from Los Angeles has a unique, catchy sound, and consistently strange, yet entertaining music videos.  Definitely an A for creativity, and I'm happy to see that they're getting recognition - their music has been featured on Weeds and CSI: New York.  But, don't let me or those silly shows speak for them...they can sing for themselves!

"Winter strikes quick in these parts..."

Hello, February!

And to celebrate the season, the Midwest is donning its best white attire and heading out with every intention of dancing the night away to a deep, bone chilling wind track (because everyone knows that the best entrance comes complete with an audio cue).  With any luck, she'll be the bell of the ball and woo someone charming, and warm, like New Zealand or Easter Island.

Personally, I am celebrating the season by nearing the end of my current read, Jeff Smith's graphic novel, Bone.  This classic tale of adventure is a first time thrill for me, and I am amazed at how quickly I've been able to digest 300 page chunks of the whopping 1332 page, multi-book, complete volume.  This should not come as too much of a surprise, I suppose, considering the primarily visual nature of the book, but its still a testament to Smith's storytelling prowess, nonetheless.

The end is now in sight, with only 263 pages to go, and as I find myself setting down the epic more frequently to prolong the inevitable, I can't help but be reminded of a page in the very first chapter of book one, Out from Boneville.  It actually came to me today, at work, amidst all of the talk of impending snow-doom and the prediction of accumulations up to 3 inches per hour.

The moment (and really, that's ALL that it is in the story), takes place at the end of the first chapter, as our hero, Fone Bone, meets some unexpected acquaintances in the unfamiliar territory of The Valley.  At this point in the story, the season is fall, and Fone is warned by a rather comically large (or is he?) bug that "winter strikes quick in these parts..." so he had better hit the road quick, or he will be stuck in the area...which certainly wouldn't be good.  Not long after this conversation (probably about 20 minutes, story-time), Fone can be seen walking hurriedly through the woods in search of water and an escape route, mumbling about the onslaught of winter and snow, when the following scene takes place.

Bone by Jeff Smith - p. 38 of Out from Boneville

I think most of Northeastern Illinois was envisioning this sort of epic downfall at about 3pm today, and its probably a pretty good thing that we were disappointed.  But good things (or at least cold things) come to those who wait, because now, at the ripe 'ole hour of 10pm, we have full on white-out conditions, and I am happy to report that I cannot fully see the liquor store that makes up the back wall to my back yard, not more than 50 feet away from my kitchen windows.  Thank you, winter.  Thank you, and goodnight.

What was that other thing I was gonna say? I swear it was relevant...

I will be in bed by 2am.

In the strange way that things happen, after what should not have been an emotionally taxing evening turned into just that, I found an apartment that I am going to allow myself to dream about living in.

The funny part about that statement, is that I am not even remotely (on a conscious level) actively looking to move.

I have moved many times in the past few years, I'm rather tired of hauling my junk about, and coincidentally, I have a rather nice home right now.  Along those same lines, one of my current goals is to save up a rather large sum of money this year in order to invest in building a "small house" on wheels so that I can avoid this whole rent scenario altogether and EVENTUALLY travel about the country in my own property.  But, as fate would have it, I stumbled upon a rental property, in *gasp* an apartment complex, no less, that managed to pull at my heart strings.  I was exploring the area where my new job will be via the streets of the internet (YES!  I landed a new job...an ART job!  2D Artist, baby!) when it occurred to me that I could...move closer?  And there it was.  Staring at me.  Perfect leasing terms, good price, good rating, beautiful amenities (including a GREAT gym), and a balcony looking out on a lake.


Sounds too good to be true?

Well, it probably is...in the respect that its apartment style living.  I now have a yard and two stories and a basement...goodbye to all of that (theoretically).  And it would involve moving, which, I must reiterate, I am not thrilled at the thought of.

But, for some reason, my heart is happy simply to imagine the possibility.
So that is what I will do.
It'll be like a bath...for my mental state. 

1:59am.

And that's a wrap!

P.s. The snow tomorrow had better be the bomb-diggety and beautiful beyond belief, or I'm have words with SOMEONE important.