This One is for the Author

There lies thin a haze over this sleepy Christian city, and I, a misfit child of some other, less-descript non-dogma, sit content amidst the halflights that will not dim. Here, on the edge of consumerist havens, brick facades litter my birds eye view, patches in an incomplete verticle quilt. But up, up a few miles, past the feeble glow of suburbia, past the steady trail of air traffic flowing reassuringly from the South, crisp winter skies give way to vastness.
Numb fingers make slow and steady work of voicing the wordless healing of sensitive vitals, but peaceful reflection amongst stars feeds the soul unsparingly. This moment knows little of past events; last year's squabbles, or poignant dreams. This place remains safe from intrusion...no jarring memories of what could be or what has. Simple, clear, and barely even a passing notion of wishing for you here.

Last years trials were somewhat other than simply personal, and as such I made a choice to take a step back from this blog for a while. I made a commitment to air out as little laundry as possible here, at least as it concerned others, and I'm happy to have stuck to that resolve. This year marks the beginning of a new era for me. It had to start out a bit differently than planned for me to fully see where I was, and I'm still pretty uncertain about exactly where I'm headed, but the past two weeks have given me an almost entirely foreign (until now) insight into where I am. Its a huge work in progress, but I think I'm learning something big - how to feel comfortable in my own damn skin. Years I've spent pretending...raging, whining, crying, smiling, dancing, and generally waiting for something to click. And you know what? It never did.

What did happen, however, was something between relaxing into a comfortable dream, and waking up to realize that it simply doesn't matter. I am this, and I may not be anyone's ideal - hell, I'm not even my own - but that's fine. This work in progress is messy and beautiful, and the people who see me clearly get it & love me greatly without being afraid of any of the chaos, or trying to change even the slightest molecule of my wild (yet somehow altogether mellow) energetic mess. They stand by, let our atoms mingle, share stories, smiles and tears, and then continue on, knowing we'll share it all again soon.

I'm not always that confident, and one of my greatest wishes is that I will develop that skill. To trust that those around me will stay near. I've leant my heart out and had it put back prematurely a few too many times not to be a little concerned in that department.  Maybe next year I'll be able to report better news there. I just hope that the man who starts to mend that organ will stick around in earnest, long enough to see the job through.

And there it is...can you tell I stepped inside? Warmer hands, warmer heart...and much more vocal. Well, its a lovely night, in any case, and I'm happy to be crawling into a big warm bed - one that for now at least, I get to keep entirely to myself.